Friday, July 20, 2007

I'm good

For my dear friends who have been by and emailed and checked on me I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Things from several aspect of my life conspired to come together at the same time to see how much they could get to me. I lost my focus for a minute but I can promise you I have it back. What is that focus? First, Tom and our relationship. Second, friends and family, being supportive and giving and accepting love from the people God has blessed me with. These wonderful people are not mine to own and control. We are friends and many have become family by choice and through love.

The following is a letter I sent my sweet Tiggr. I am posting it and her response with her permission –

I know we need to talk sweetie. You don’t know how sorry I am for the way I am acting it’s not right and I am trying to understand myself (as you are) and to understand where all these strong feelings have come from. I go through periods of feeling my life has been such a waste. I am aware of the underlying truth of my situation; I am a rich man’s pet. Not a very lofty goal for a life time but it’s true. I had begun to feel though that through the blog I could actually touch other people maybe not on the deepest level but it was something I knew – being happily married, spanking, and a good sex life – I suddenly could almost be an expert at something. I think I had forgotten that you are young, and so intelligent. You are still growing and developing and I think in my selfishness I wanted to hold you back and keep you in a small box that I could understand. I told you I always thought I would make a horrible mother. I think I have proven my point.

Yesterday was a turning point for me and as usual Tom was my savior. Many things both here and in real life came together in a short period of time and I was not handling any of it well. Tom has been working on a big project all week and has been gone during the day for several days. I found myself waiting for him to leave yesterday so I could just drink the day away. I am sorry and you have to know that this comes from demons within me and has nothing to do with you or anyone else. Evidently Tom felt something was wrong because he turned around and came home before I could even bestir myself to get out the bottle.

He made me talk about everything that has been bothering me. His original solution to our situation was predictable Tom. Get off and stay off the computer and blogs. But we kept talking and he realized that that was not the answer. He says it is plain to him that we have a special relationship and he think we have both benefited from our closeness. We talked all day. A much better plan than the one I had had for the day. LOL! He wanted me to email you and to ‘clear the air’ as he put it.

I don’t understand where you are or what is happening in your mind but that’s okay. If it feels right for you then that is all that is important. You have my full support and love as you continue on your journey. Please forgive me for my foolishness, my mind just grasps thing and moves on to new ideas more slowly than it used to. Again sweet girl, please for give me! I do want to me you mom if you will still have me!

Much, much love

Cassie/Mom

My sweet daughter answered right away –

Of COURSE you ARE still my mom, and you aren't lousy at it. Believe me, my birth mother was just as baffled and even less interested in grasping any of this then you!!!! Please don't feel guilty or bad about anything at all! You're still here for me and I will always be here for you... do me a favor though when you post to your blog and email me a copy of just email me so I can go by to read it???? I don't check the blogs nearly as often these days...

I am thrilled that although this was unpleasant for you, that it led to that chat with Tom... please, please thank him for me, OK? I mean it, complete wit
h a big hug and peck on the cheek if he will tolerate it (you don't have to tell him it's from me).

Just let me know your comfort zone. I'm happy to share a lot or a little about this way of life I am following (and had committed to follow many years ago)... I don't want to overwhelm you or frighten you, not ever. I am just leading (finally!) or at least trying to lead a very moral, simple life with far fewer attachments and worldly "stuff." I'm not in a cult or anything of the sort (and yes, I'd know if I was)... this is very, very similar to Buddhism... and the teachings of Gandhi.

I love you very much and am ever so glad that you didn't take that drink!

Love you, Mom, always and forever,

I told you I was blessed. I have a fine daughter, a wonderful brother, Paul, who always has wise counsel and above all else I have my Tom who is so in tune to my feelings he is almost there before I know how very much I need him.

He is taking me on a quick trip but we should be home by the middle of next week. At that time I plan to hit the ground blogging! I hope my readers will forgive my silence and come back and enjoy with me.

Cassie

10 comments:

New Beginnings said...

Cassie,
If I could have one wish for you it would be that you could realize and really understand how much you are loved by everyone that reads you and has come to know you through your words. I think if you knew how much we think of you you would get a swelled head!! And as much as we all love you it can't be a fraction of what Tom feels. You are one of the finest women I know and I still want to be you when I grow up!!!

Love you!
PK

Tiggr d'Amore said...

Me, too, me, too! (About wanting to one day be you, Mom)

Love ya, Mom, and please don't ever doubt that... not ever!

BTW, something tells me that you will NEVER get a swelled head... it just isn't a part of you, thank heavens... love you just exactly the way you are!
your girl

Paul said...

Cassie dear one, if I had a real sister, I'd like her to be just like you and married to someone like Tom.
I'm happy that you sorted things and that Tom understands you so well.
Have a good trip and return relaxed and well.
If you are a rich man's pet, then that rich man is a very lucky fellow.
Love you dear sis, very much.
Warm hugs,
Paul.

Anonymous said...

Cassie,

My own situation right now leaves me very little time for the blogs ( I miss them so!), so I'm not up on what this is all about. I can tell you very clearly though that that your blog is one that I check first as soon as I can, and I'm so sorry for your unhappiness. You are no "rich man's pet" as I 'm sure you realize now. Our most important task on this earth is to spread love - and you have given it to so many (Tom, your church and community, both locally and online). Don't be tricked into looking at life's success in worldly terms - the world has such poor judgement these days.

M:e said...

Cassie, though we don't know each other too well (yet) Tiggs has been a special person in my life almost from the day we first 'met'. I'm so pleased to read this (sitting here with a big smile).

Enjoy your time away....come back to us all refreshed...you are one special lady.

love and hugs xxx

david said...

It was thru Tiggr I found your blog. A swelled head I don't think so. A heart of gold yes for sure.

It is always a pleasure to stop by and visit with you. Have a nice time and enjoy.

*hugs and grins*

mthc said...

Hi Cassie,
Glad that you have worked things out. I was a little worried myself.
We all value your friendship as well as Tiggr's.
It's important that you and her realize that. You don't have a swelled head and Tom is a wise man.
I think you would make a great mom and i'm sure that Tiggr thinks you are. Take care,relax and have fun.

Reesa Roberts said...

Cassie, if there is anything any of us can say to rid your thoughts that you're a "rich man's pet," I sure hope one of us comes through and gets through to you. Nothing to that effect has ever entered my mind. To me, you're a wonderful example of what a DD marriage can be, you always do your best to make others feel welcome to your blog, and you leave such nice comments on other blogs... besides the great stories you tell. I think you're an inspiration to many younger women and I hope that you can begin to believe it as well!

Huggs,
Reesa

New Beginnings said...

Can I jump back in again. Cassie think of Paul. Think of what a loving, kind, wise wonderful man he is. You do realize, don't you, that he would not be the same man if Mel had not been in his life. It was the love they had for each other that formed who they became. I picture Tom as a wise successful buisness man, but he would not be the man he is today if you had not been in his life. You have often said he saved your life, just maybe you saved him too.

I love you Cassie!

PK

Cassie said...

PK,
You are a sweetie! I thank you for your kind words. I can see what you have said about Paul and Mel and I agree. You are right I have helped Tom I do know that but thank you for reminding me!


Hey sweetie,
I will try to keep the swelled head down but if everyone keeps being so nice it's going to be tough!

Thank you brother Paul! Tom is the smartest man I know. He says he is lucky too. I guess I will just have to agree with you both!

Anon,
You are so sweet to comment today. I have been blessed by the wonderful people I have come in contact with through the blog. I am happy to know you are out there.

m:e,
Tiggr is very special to all who have read her words. I appreciate you come here and reading. Please come often.

Thank you David. All the ladies out here are lucky that the men who comment are as sweet as you and Paul and Dave. Now get off the computer and go paddle Mthc - it's her birthday!

Mthc,
It always amazes me that Tom pays so much attention (sometimes that's good and sometimes that can be bad!) But him encouraging me to talk and open up to him was certainly want I needed!

Reesa,
You are very sweet and I thank you. I feel much honored at these words coming from you. I do think you are one of the finest writes out here.