I have been thinking hard about blogging and whether or not to give it up. I think you all know how much this means to me. But you also know that I worry about Tom finding out. Would I be able to make him understand? Maybe, but I don’t really think so. I know he would be upset with what I have put out here and I know he would want it shut down, immediately and permanently! If he chose to get rid of the computer it truly would be difficult to keep up with everyone.
One part of me is certain that he would never find out about it. I just don’t see how it could happen. But I also realize that every time I
know he won’t find out about something about 99% of the time he does. I have really been struggling with this decision. Earlier today I thought the decision had been made for me.
It’s been a calm few days. No fussing, I’ve been a good girl! Tom has been sweet as could be and I have been looking forward to subbing. Tom usually gets up and runs and leaves for work around 7:00. I get up later, whenever I feel like if he is working, but when I got up around 8:30 he was still home, in the computer room, on the computer. I have never seen him on our computer since we got it 6 months ago. Time for a panic attack! I always clear the history. I do not have any of you on favorites, but I was still having a hard time breathing. He shut it down, told me he was late and was out the door, I think before I said anything. I got on to check the history where he had been but he had cleared it. Had I? I always do, but had I? I was unsettled all day.
Tom was very quiet when he got home and all through dinner. Finally, after we ate, he asked me to come over and sit on the couch with him, he wanted to talk. I did not want to talk about anything! He said “Cassie I am going to ask you a question and I need a yes or no answer. You can explain or elaborate later, but I want the truth.” I hoped and prayed that my fears were going to be wrong. Then he said it “Cassie I know you have developed a love affair with the computer.” When he said that and I realized that it was over and my heart just sank. I try not to be seen on the computer that much and I rarely go on when he is here unless he is asleep. But I can’t hear when he drives in from where we have the computer. When I do hear him come in I just have time to shut everything down and I am usually coming out of that room to greet him. But his question just stunned me. He said “Tell me the truth, have you been gambling on line?”
I went from darn near panic to a fit of the giggles! (Why would I waste my time gambling when I could talk to all of you!) I laughed and laughed, I hugged his neck, and I felt so much relief. So I told him - no, no, never thought about it, not planning to, don’t give it another thought! I could tell he believed me, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet. He asked “Well what are you doing on there so much? I know you have even gotten up at night to get on the computer.” How does he know everything??
I got serious quickly. And I just told him “I am talking to my friends, new friends that I have made on line.” He seemed a bit upset and said “Cassie you have to know that that is not safe. You don’t know who these people really are or what they may want you to do.” Tom is not the only one in our family that can get annoyed. I said “Tom you have know me for 35 years, do you think I’m stupid? When I say I’ve made friends I mean it. We talk, we care about each other, we live all over the country and some overseas. We will never meet anywhere but on the computer and when I talk with them I am not lonely.” Well that got him!
He just sat and looked at me for a long time. He finally said “You’re sure it’s safe? You’re sure you are not getting yourself in trouble? I told him yes it was safe; and no, I was not getting myself in trouble. Tom pulled me over against him. Then he asked “Can I read what you say to one another?” Gulp! I sat up and looked at him and very seriously and hopefully with out sounding guilty, I told him “no”. I said “These are my friends, you have your work friends and golfing buddies and I don’t eavesdrop on your conversations. Most of what we say would bore you, some of it is funny and some of it would probably make you mad. But it’s mine and I want to keep it that way.”
He said “I bet I come off pretty bad. I’m domineering, I work too much, and I ignore you. Is that what you tell them?” I grinned at him and told him “Yep, that’s pretty much it.” So I feel better. I feel so much better. I think Tom feels better too. I guess he was actually thinking that I was gambling and hiding it somehow. He reminded me that his project was nearly over and I wouldn’t need to depend on the computer for company for much longer. I told him I would be delighted to have him back but I still intended to keep up with my friends. I never used the word blog and I still wouldn’t want him finding it and reading it but if worse comes to worse I have told him what I am doing.
One more thing, my domineering, workaholic, neglectful husband says to tell all of you hello!
