Way back when, part 3

Sue and I didn’t talk much on the 30 mile trip to Westly. I know she wanted to ask questions but she also knew I didn’t want to discuss Tom anymore. When she let me out at the hotel she asked “You want me to come in.”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to talk but I didn’t want to be alone either. “No.” I finally answered. “Just don’t tell Steve or Tom you’ve seen me since you left the house. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“You have to go home and face him sometime you know.” Sue seemed a little concerned. “ Awww… come on and let me take you back before this gets out of hand. So he’s pissed. He’ll get over it. Come on let’s go home already.”

I wavered momentarily but I was in deep and I just couldn’t back out. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I repeated and headed in. I used a fake name. It wasn’t hard back then and if anyone was suspicious that I had no luggage they never said anything to me. My winnings from the casino that day kept me from having to use a card. I felt that I was pretty well hidden for the moment.

When I reached the room I drew a shaky sigh of relief. But overwhelming loneliness and guilt hit me too. I did think I had the right to come and go as I pleased, but I had told Tom I would stay home and I hadn’t. I felt horrible. I really wanted to go home but you have to understand that back then I HATED being spanked! I hated the pain, I hated the embarrassment, I hated the loss of control, I hated every bit of it. During the first part of our marriage Tom only spanked for punishment and gracious he was good at it! I wrote here about when things turned around a little but early on I would do ANYTHING to avoid a spanking – except mind Tom, of course.

As my lonely evening wore on I couldn’t stand it any longer. I called Tom. He answered on the first ring with,

“Cassie is that you?”

“It’s me.” I managed in a shaky voice. “Tom, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I went out with Sue today and I’m sorry I was going to lie about it. And I’m really sorry I ran out on you. Will you forgive me?”

“Cassie, where are you? I just want you home. You know I’ll forgive you. Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

I felt such relief wash over me. “Tom, do you really forgive me? You’re not just saying that? You won’t spank me?” I knew if he said he wouldn’t, then he wouldn’t.

“Cassie,” his voice was worried but it still sounded soothing to me, “you know I love you. When I say I’ll forgive you, you know I will. I’d forgive you anything. I want you to come home. We need to be together so we can talk this thing through.”

I was crying with relief. I started to speak when Tom continued, “But you need to know that when I do get hold of you I’m going to wear you out.”

“But… but…” I sputtered. That particular phrase always sent a shiver down my spine – still does. “I said I was sorry. I won’t do it again. I’ve learned my lesson, okay. There is no reason to spank me.”

Cassie, you’ve said you’re sorry and I believe you. You can believe me when I tell you you’ll be forgiven but neither of those things changes the consequences you have coming. Now where are you?”

“That’s not FAIR!!” I shouted into the phone.

Tom continued in his soothing voice. I was wishing what he was saying had been as soothing. “And why is it not fair? I told you straight up, before we were married that you were going to have to do as I said that that lying would not be tolerated. And I made it quite clear that I would spank you for breaking my rules.”

I remembered that conversation only vaguely. He had said something about me calming down and listening to him, letting him keep me safe, never lying to him. I remember him saying something about spanking me (he had only spanked once at that time) so I didn’t believe him for a minute. And besides during that conversation I distinctly remember trying to take his shirt off and turn his mind to things other than a long lecture. My saying yes at that time, when my mind was on other things, shouldn’t have meant a thing. One should not be held to a contract agreed to under such circumstances.

At that moment, as he talked to me on the phone I wanted to be with him so badly. But I couldn’t give in. I’m afraid it wasn’t the last time my stubbornness and self-destructive streak kept me from using my common sense. I slammed the phone down and cried myself to sleep.